i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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