I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
