Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
