im six kinds of drunk right now
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
