my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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