She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
