hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
