Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
