yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
