I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
