If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
