I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I deserve this hangover.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
