"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
