there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
