Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
