fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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