If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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