Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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