So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
one might say we're banned from that church
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
