she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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