If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
