Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
