Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Randomize
