and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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