I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Is Oprah even human
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
