Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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