God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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