Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
