I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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