Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
