Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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