I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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