Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
