she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
where does the pee come out of this thing
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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