either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
