so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
