I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
