I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
