allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
