PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
