i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
