onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
