you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
