I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
