there's paper in my vomit.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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