I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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