dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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