her vagina looked like bernie madoff
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
