tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
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