I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
The Olympian is in my bed
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
